Day 6 : Fashion Disaster

Women Wearing Jeans Are Reason Behind Earthquakes: JUI-F Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman

ISLAMABAD - During a press conference at a local hotel in Islamabad, Jamiat Ulema-e-Islami Fazl (JUI-F) Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman asked the Pakistani armed forces to launch a military operation against women wearing jeans all over Pakistan.According to him, the immodesty of women is the cause behind earthquakes, inflation and other kinds of disasters. He went on to say that a woman who is not covered like a 'sack of flour' is a mobile weapon of mass destruction for her state and that Pakistan has multitude of such nuclear missiles in all its major cities. Rehman then blamed 'immodest women' for the Baluchistan crisis, lack of energy supply and the deteriorating security situation in Pakistan. Rehman then openly requested the army chief and the prime minister to openly declare war against Pakistani women and launch a military operation.

This is an original article from the New Indian Express.


Jeans seem to be made of earthquake inducing materials that when worn by a female create invisible shock waves that knock off electricity and produce seismic activity. If used in appropriate combinations to produce immodesty they can be utilized as WMDs (Weapons of Mass Distraction).


The only solution apparently is to declare war against women rather than stopping sales. 'Cause that would be too difficult right. And if they wiped out all women it would be easier to reset the current population with a fresh batch of Halal/Sanskari women.


Next time I see a woman wearing jeans I will let her know that she's responsible for the energy crisis and she should stop quaking Nepal and Japan.





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Yesterday I wore a t-shirt one size too small. So I guess I'm responsible for the heat wave going about right now. And the other day when I wore shorts I might have taken down the electricity of my neighborhood for an hour. I guess I'll have to buy and wear socks, gloves and a hat from now on.


PS: MTS network *slow clapping*

Day 5 : Who was it?

Have you ever wondered who was that first person who decided to boil some leaves in water and drink it? And not stopping there, but going on to add sugar to make the taste tolerable. I mean why was he so resolute on making it palatable?? And was he the same person who decided to add milk to it?? Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against Tea. But who was this guy and why was he so keen on creating it?

Who was the first guy to dig up the soil and find weird looking brown coloured plant parts which are in no way consumable and then think, "I should try peeling it and boiling it and then eating it". He'd just managed to create the staple food of the West - the mashed potatoes. And he too didn't stop there. Plain mashed potatoes are tasteless. He just HAD to eat it somehow and went on to create Gravy to have with.

Okay I do agree with you if you just thought "Necessity is the mother of all inventions". Maybe he didn't have anything else consumable in his immediate vicinity. But what about the person who decided to dip the flesh of flightless birds in water and spices and boil it till it looks or tastes nothing like the conventional method of cooking - Frying. And then who thought "This requires some Wheat/Rice derivative along with it. And some Pepsi." Who was it??

Who was the guy who thought, "I'm gonna let my fruit juices stay out in the open till they ferment and taste like p!ss and then proceed to drink it?" I understand anybody can get hooked on it once they've had it for the first time. But it does take a certain level of stupidity to begin with to attempt to consume intentionally spoilt beverages. Or maybe he was a genius to have started one of the largest multi-million trillion dollar industries - Alcoholism.

More recently, who was the guy who decided to make linear strings of dough that can be cooked in the broth of chicken in 2 minutes to be consumed as either Breakfast, Lunch or Supper by any and every person on this planet?? And who decided to add MSG and Lead to it? (Those of you who didn't get the reference please proceed to read Day 1. And those who did get it - You see what I did there?? Shameless blog promotion.)

There are just few examples of how our Pioneers were in some form either stupid, mentally deranged or maybe absolutely f**kin' brilliant.

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PS:  I mixed Pepsi and Fanta. I'm an Intellectual Giant

PPS: I got no relevant visual aid related to this topic, So here's a pic of a cat.

PPS: More stuff lined up. *Thumbs up* 

Day 4 : SCAM

I have experimented quite a lot in life. I've gone 3 days without food, a day without water and spent approximately 22 hours on the road without a shelter. None of them have affected me as much (primarily because none of that is true) as the loss of Internet connectivity.

I usually wake up in the morning to the sound of the notification of someone attacking my base on Clash of Clans. At breakfast, I have toast/cereal with some Facebook on the side. My lunch is often heavy on my data plan due to YouTube streaming. My dinner is basically TV with Facebook and some food on the side occasionally. My day ends with a final glance at my Facebook profile search history which I seem to have to delete every single day (Oh PuhLeeZ...like you haven't FB-stalked someone). Every waking moment of my life requires Internet. Its still a mystery why I wasn't born with WiFi connectivity. I definitely do seem to have the battery backup of an Android phone, and anyone who has had a squabble with me, would be aware of my Silent Mode. I would've said something about Flight Mode too if my parents hadn't returned on exit from Saudi.

For the last 3 weeks I've been struggling to find some sustainable Internet (by sustainable I mean at least 3G...'cause 2G ain't really internet. Its like what soy milk is to regular milk). In the last post I said something about "BSNL spreading its wings". Yeah....that was just an expression. BSNL isn't even a bird in real life. Its a single-celled Amoeba trying to figure out a way to convince you that it's pseudo-pod is an Aircraft carrier. Over two weeks I struggled and toiled away till I finally managed to get a broadband connection during the course of which my dad ended up paying a technician a reasonably unfair amount of money despite the fact that he didn't even touch the modem while I fixed it myself using my dad's idea.

BSNL "Faster than your thoughts"...Sense the Irony???

After setting-up the so called broadband (that works only from 11am - 1pm and 4pm - 6pm) it turned out they'd cheated us off on the speed. So I decided to cancel the broadband once and for all. I was ready to face the struggle of slow browsing and late Whatsapp notifications. But I had forgotten to take one major thing into account.

I was moving to my mom's place for a few days. And there is no 2G there. 'Cause no network. NO FRIGGIN' NETWORK. The Stupid Pug had stopped following the Kid!!

Well, I'm always prepared for such kind of events. Using my trusted Idea Netsetter I went bravely to my moms place only to find out that the Rs 1346 plan I'd done cannot be utilized one bit. Cause....Yup You guessed it. No 3G.

Now Broke and Netless I had nothing else to do. I kept glancing at my notification-less phone imagining all the Poor jokes and memes that'd be shared on all the useless groups on Whatsapp that I usually ignore and wondered if I kinda did miss them.

Nope.

 I was made to get out of the house for whining too much about not having internet ("There are children on the streets who don't have food. Do you see them complaining?"..."They probably cant because they don't have social media to do so." .OUT.)
Using my new-found freedom and time, I wandered around my neighborhood to "see the real world" as my parents put it. I didn't "Like" it. It was more social than Social media. Plus, the real world's Newsfeed is just too violent.


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PS : How did I post this you ask?? My thoughts seem to have crossed the BSNL speed barrier.

Day 3 : Ring! Tweet! Pop!

 Everybody loves Amitabh Bachchan!(Well...not everyone, but most people). He is THE one personality that we would all unanimously vote to represent us in the World (how much ever effort a certain Individual is trying these days!). Towering at 6 foot 3inches (1.85m for you metric people) his persona stands at par with the Mt. Everest. His etiquette and mannerisms constitute the very definition of a True Gentleman.

Since his advent into fame, he has been a most-wanted man. In the era where the Postal Service was the preferred means of communication, he was known to have received the most number of letters. Despite being extremely busy he did try his best to keep up with his correspondence whenever he had had the chance.

With the prevalence of the telephone, he became a much more wanted man. With BSNL spreading its wings across the country with lakhs of subscribers it had become quite difficult for him to maintain relations with all his fans. He never abandoned it as a whole, choosing instead to hire PR people to handle them.

In the recent past when Email and Blogs became popular, Mr, B took the initiative to create both, as an eco-friendly way to resume his communication. His blog on Tumblr has got millions of regular readers.

In the most recent of advancements, his Twitter account @SrBachchan took the internet by storm with over 15 million followers.

When each advancement came about he did not give up on the older methods. He still has no "preferred medium". You can still reach him via letters, emails, telephone and perhaps a carrier pigeon too. As time passes, newer technologies will surely emerge on which BigB will make his advances to keep his fans happy. 'Cause He Is, as long as his fans Are.
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This is a simple article... with a deeper philosophy if you were to substitute all the communication mediums with various religions and Amitabh Bachchan with God.

PS: I prefer Whatsapp.

Day 2: Black and White

The moment He left home, my day turned grim. As He walked across the front door, the clear azure blue serene skies with the brightly shining amber Sun and the songbirds singing their melodious songs to their mates, all of a sudden transformed. It seemed as though the Sun had died, the clouds wept and the birds were now in mourning.

He did this everyday. Ever since we were together. I couldn't help but think if He really did have to leave. He woke up everyday, a bright shining star and returned home like a demented soul sucked off of all his vitality.

He never spoke to me about where he went. Whenever He returned I was always ready at the door waiting to ask him how his day went. He never responded to my question. But He put on a different face just for me. He was exuberant and spirited just for me. He perhaps didn't realize that I always could perceive his anguish and despair.

I did what I could do best. Make Him happy. I spent every waking moment next to him to get him to laugh and forget about his troubles. He did. Or at least he did so before me.

I remember when we were younger, we would go out and have the most joyful of evenings together. But now the moments we spent together seem to be just mirages of our past. Flickering instants of short lived gratification leaving the both of us craving for more. Maybe age has taken toll on the both of Us. 10 years together... indeed a really long time.

As the days pass I wonder if things could turn around and we could be back to our older selves. If we could be our younger energetic contended selves with not a concern about Life. A life that presently seems to be preparing to bow out at the Stage of Existence.

I wish I could complete the journey of life with Him. But as Nature has unique ordinances to follow I will not be able to. When I'm gone, I hope He will celebrate and cherish himself for being Him. Because nobody knows Him completely like I do, And I know He deserves only the best.

I will always love Him. Unconditionally.

  These aren't the words of a wife/girlfriend. I've never had a pet but I guess if I had a Dog, this is what it would say... if it could. Those of you who do have a dog, consider yourself to be lucky. Love your dog..

                                         

PS: Please do leave some feedback on the comments section below :D

PPS: YES. I can write like a girl. And a dog too.

Day 1: 2 Minute Instant Fashion

New Delhi, May 27th 2015

Food inspectors have ordered Nestle India to recall a batch of Maggi noodles from shops across the country, saying the product contained dangerous levels of lead.

The Food Safety and Drug Administration (FDA) in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh said high lead content was found during routine tests on two dozen packets of instant noodles, manufactured by Nestle in India.

Two FDA officials said all the packets of instant noodles tested in the state-run laboratory were contaminated. They found a lead concentration of 17.2 parts per million (ppm), nearly seven times the permissible limit. The FDA officials said the acceptable limit of lead ranges between 0.01 ppm and 2.5 ppm.

The scientists also found high levels of added monosodium glutamate (MSG), a taste enhancer, in the noodles.

In a bold statement in support of the age-old survival food of students all over the country, India's very own fashionista, Sonam Kapoor, made the world turn their heads with her Cannes couture made entirely out of Maggi noodles. She said, "I love curls. Curls are in this season. There's nothing else as curly as my dad's chest hair on this planet, other than Maggi. I'm so busy with my fashion choices that I don't have time for food. 2 minutes is all it takes for Maggie. So I like Maggi. If it has lead in it, why don't people just remove it before cooking! Silly middle class Indians!!"

Ms Kapoor has also been reported to have stated that her dress would be "delicious" with Rihanna's Omlette gown.

                                                                    
PS: "You are what you eat" Currently I'm Toast.

Day 0 : To Infinity and Beyond...or Maybe Back to Square One

"Congratulations!! Its a Nerd!"

The ever-growing rumbling noises outside the maternity ward of  Mukunda Hospital did not acknowledge the birth of a Legend within the premises. Who was to know that the healthy 3.0 kg baby boy will grow up to be one among the bravest Warriors humanity has ever seen. Waging battles and wars against odds. Not winning, Just waging wars.

The Warrior was to endure tides of impediments spanning over half a decade starting at his 16th year of age, seldom overcoming, but still appearing to be the Brave heart that the people looked up to and so desired. The Warrior was...

Nope. Not an Actor. A Medical Student.

It takes a certain degree of "I don't care about my life" to even think of becoming a doctor (unless you're the Parental Coercion subtype). Also it takes a larger degree of Acanthosis (തൊലിക്കട്ടി  ) to attempt to be one.

After being through 4.5 years of MBBS(the accelerated KUHS edition), I've realized that it doesn't take much to make it to final year. Hold your horses. I said TO. Not through. As long as you've washed your lab coats occasionally (read "when the odour hits") and come on-time (for attendance at least) you have a decent chance that your Internal Examiner is gonna sweep up after you during/after Viva. Provided you know what is Pallor/Icterus/Cyanosis/Clubbing/Lymphadenopathy/Edema.

Getting to Final Year was really tiresome though. All the Sports, Cultural Events, Tours, Extracurricular Activities(ie, batch-mate's sibling's/sibling's neighbor's servant's wedding) really did exhaust all our energy and time. It was extremely crucial to make our presence known at these events, How else would Shanthi-bai know we really cared?

Once the torrent of activities ceased, there began the season of *insert Muslim female batch-mate's name*'s engagement. How can we deny ourselves of all the free beef/mutton/chicken?? Aren't we all obligated to consume the flesh of animals that have died specifically for us? (stress on For FREE)

"When the 8th sem struck, the Wolves emerged from the marshes of textbooks that had now laid bare across the dust collecting surfaces of the tables of the unvisited strange lair known as The Library. The mark-hungry carnivores spread the disease of fear among the innocent once-carefree fawns leading to the rise of the Era of The Mug-Up. Days and nights merged into one. Time had become mere numbers. The fawns and wolves had now become something else. Something not explainable by Nature. The female Walking Dead populated the Library at untimely hours (6 PM IST@KMCT) and then proceeded to their own secret locations within the castle of the Ladies Hostel. The males slept away the days and wasted away the nights (@theatres). Few creatures existed in this pre-apocalyptic world just to see the world burn. (Im talking about you Ashik PP). Amidst the wake of destruction of the world, I stood clutching my iPad wondering if its time yet to buy Davidson"

The saga of the 9th semester is one about the unsung heroes of the medical UG. Since its unsung, not gonna venture into it.

The Medical Profession is one of the highest of esteems. The seeds may be hard to sow at first, but the fruit we reap will always be sweet. Despite being through all the hardship, I'm happy to say that I would do it all over ag-...Fuck No. I'm done.

PS; Don't judge me by my birth weight.

This post will be edited soon. At daytime. When there are actual thoughts in my head.